[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
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You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
marvel comics have peaked
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?