Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
necessity is the mother of invention
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?