I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]