[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
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President The Rock Obama
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
tourist season
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”