Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
You Might Also Like
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Order here:
More here:
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.