if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.