Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
The best shot in the history of golf
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for