The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.