I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
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PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?