Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
i now pronounce you bounced.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
What?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
britain’s three elite institutions
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs