“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
OH. COME. ON.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation