“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
black phone good
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money