The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*puts cutlery down*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.