I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
This did not end as expected.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.