The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away