ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
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Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My purse is deeper than some people.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician