oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
is it earth
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”