I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Help Wanted
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*