Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Rather alarming headline…
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.