I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I want what they have
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star