ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine