I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.