I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES