[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
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I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
There are no pants in heaven.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?