The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin