I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money