so, is there a mister shapen head
You Might Also Like
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”