78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
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Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!