The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
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[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
No. YOU-buprofen.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.