God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.