Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”