Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
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Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
This probably isn’t good
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”