Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
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a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I hate when that happens.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized