the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*