“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.