Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.