There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
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Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed