[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
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Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Is….Is this an option?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.