I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*