I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Candles never taste the way they smell
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights