i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.