Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
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I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please