Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break