Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it