During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
You Might Also Like
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!