Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Coffee for people with no kids
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators