Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
guys I’m going home
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.