Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
You Might Also Like
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
going to the ER y’all need anything
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows