My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
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Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.