“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
You Might Also Like
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.